00:00
00:00
FUNKbrs
Blood just gushing out the motherfucker, and here I am with an electrical cord trying to tie off the damn artery. You ever be laying by the side of the road covered in another man's blood talking to the cops and your girlfriend breaks up with you? I have.

FUNK brs @FUNKbrs

Age 42, Male

Misery Merchant

Memphis

Joined on 10/28/00

Level:
13
Exp Points:
1,682 / 1,880
Exp Rank:
37,266
Vote Power:
5.49 votes
Rank:
Safety Patrol
Global Rank:
30,628
Blams:
203
Saves:
112
B/P Bonus:
6%
Whistle:
Normal
Trophies:
1
Medals:
1,921
Supporter:
8y 3m 5d

FUNKbrs's News

Posted by FUNKbrs - January 3rd, 2008


Chapter 2

When someone spends all their time on the Internet, they develop certain base reactions. For one, they instinctually do a google search whenever they're uncertain about something. They develop a certain turtle-like quality; their first instinct under stress is to withdraw into a hard outer shell.

Caroline wasn't any different. At first she was completely shell shocked. After all, last night was completely out of character for her. Sleeping with a guy she'd just met? Smoking pot? Sadomasochism? Maybe she needed the strong anchor of a computer to keep her out of trouble. Meanwhile, what she needed was facts.

When she heard about the way the passengers sounded, she could hear the screams from her dream all over again. In retrospect, it seemed so obvious. It was the dream that caused her to act out by hooking up with Todd. If she could disprove the dream, she'd be in control of her life again.

Some people will use any justification at all to dabble in their vices.

Two minutes after she heard about the screams, she was back in her car in front of the club. In the harsh light of day, she read the club's name for the first time. The club's name was "The Fool's Card."

Caroline didn't even turn on the radio on the drive home. It was 2:00 on a Saturday morning.

By 2:30, Caroline was already off the wagon. She had MSN news on one window, CNN in another, and the BBC up on a third. Pictures of the crash site matched the dream perfectly, right down the glittering stream that seemed so Eden-esque at the time.

She broke at 6:00 PM to eat a packet of ramen noodles. She didn't even notice her right hand going numb.

The Glass waited for her in the dark, shining. She had tried to escape, or rather; it had almost allowed her to escape. Now, however, she reassumed her favorite place.

There was a smooth transition from right to left. There was no struggle. The right became the submissive, the left the dominant. Balance was restored once more.

The eyes closed for twenty minutes before the Glass caught their attention, but only the attention of the eyes, not the mind. The body rose, and the left foot took the first step towards the blood.

The blood was important.

The left hand reached out, and grabbed a knife as sharp as broken glass out of its wooden rack. This was the only purpose this knife had ever been used for. The knife was laid carefully on the cutting board, the blade facing towards the wall on the other side of the counter at a perfect right angle.

The left hand reached up again, and just as ceremoniously extracted a clean, plain white plate. The plate was laid with the precision of a Swiss clock to the right of the knife.

It could smell the blood.

Inside a different, less permanent darkness, a light shone for the briefest possible instant. A round, lidded vessel four inches in diameter and three inches tall escaped into the room with the glass, the hand, the foot, the knife, the plate, and the eye.

The assembled convocation achieved their purpose. The glass could taste the blood once again.

In Caroline's dream, she walked through row after row of perfectly placed bushes. Each bush was adorned by dark, ripe berries, and each berry was either black or bright red. The sky was periwinkle blue and clear, and there was a faint hum in the background as if bees were busy making honey. She reached down to one of the bushes to taste its fruit, and she noticed each red berry was attached by the same stem to a black berry in an almost wishbone shaped configuration. She separated the two, and caught a spray of bright red juice disproportionate to the size of the tart fruit. She sucked the juice from the dripping red berry, and it tasted savory and slightly metallic, like the top of a weak nine-volt battery. It left the lingering aroma of old cast iron in the air.

Suddenly a trickle of stinging bees rose from under the bush on her right. They landed on the still fresh juice on her left hand and began sucking it up through their tiny proboscis. Frightened, she tried to brush them away, but this only agitated them. One stung her hand, and they began to swarm...

There are bad ways to wake up from a dream, and then there are worse ones. Caroline is about to experience the latter of the two.

Pain and stickiness preceded consciousness in Caroline's mind. Even with your eyes closed, it's pretty easy to tell if you've been stabbed. Although she'd never actually been stabbed before, Caroline knew one thing; she had been tonight

Snapping awake, her first thought was "PANIC!" The left sleeve of her pajamas was soaked in sticky drying blood from the wrist down, and her right hand held an Exacto knife in a white knuckled grip. She ran to the sink to wash off the blood instinctively.

The wound in her left hand was slender, but deep, and it fell just left of the vein in the space between the bones of her pinky and ring fingers. The blood on her hand was partially clotted, making it difficult to wash off without scrubbing. The cut's flow turned the sink's water pink at first, but once the scab had a chance to reform, the bleeding stopped.

The wide-eyed calm of shock gave way to relief as Caroline realized she didn't have to drive herself to the hospital or call 911. Flower shops aren't famous for their medical benefits, after all, and bleeding to death in an ER waiting room was definitely not the way Caroline had planned on dying.

The pajamas, however, were done for.
Desperate. Lonely. Scared. Jaleesa. It really was that simple. Jaleesa could get shot and not lose her head. Jaleesa was like a rock; if anyone could talk Caroline down at this point, it would be her. Caroline's hands were shaking so badly it took her three tries to dial the number right.

Too bad the wrong voice answered.

"Hello?" said a voice she'd never heard before.
"Jaleesa?" quavered Caroline.

The second it took the strange voice to answer seemed like an eternity.

"Oh, she's right here. May I ask who's calling?"
"Caroline," she said to the strange voice.
"Ok, let me get her."

Caroline couldn't even breathe.

"Caroline?" said that familiar honeyed voice.

Caroline actually felt her pulse slow. Jaleesa got her through Valentine's Day. She could get her through this.

"I.... I... I... bled..." she stammered.

People like Caroline go into shock for a reason. Their normal mind just can't handle stress. Now that she felt safe, she finally broke down in tears.

Jaleesa didn't even ask what was wrong.

"I'm bringing a friend over. We'll be there soon."

Hope like hell if you stab yourself, you have a friend like Jaleesa Jones.

Caroline was still crying when Jaleesa and her friend showed up with a white diaper bag full of bandages, antibiotic, alcohol swabs, and a fully loaded semi-automatic pistol.

"Open the door, Caroline. It's me and Berry," Jaleesa said in a voice that could have been used to say "Open Sesame."

Jaleesa's voice had a power only granted to single mothers. It had a natural harmonic that said without words that it was to be obeyed first, and understood second.

Caroline was weak willed to start with, but her fear and uncertainty had no chance against Jaleesa's maternal power. She opened the door and fell into Jaleesa's arms, still naked from the waist up after having taken off her silken nightshirt to wash her arm.

The cut on her hand was barely noticeable.

For once in her life, Berry was speechless. Just thirty minutes ago she was watching a movie with her sister in law, and now she was in a stranger's living room carrying a pistol. A hot stranger. Naked. And crying. She had heard there were knives and blood involved. Somewhere inside Berry's sick mind, something clicked.

While Jaleesa comforted Caroline, Berry wandered into the apartment. In the kitchenette, she saw a single plate and knife in the dish drainer. She continued looking from left to right in the main area of the efficiency, and her eyes stumbled across the first few droplets. Following the trail of red splatters in the carpet from the open bathroom door, she saw they led like ants toward candy to a sheet laying over an office chair and what appeared to be a small computer desk. The left corner of the sheet was splotched with drying blood.

Of course Berry looked under the sheet. She's one of those "types."

A computer mouse covered with blood stained fingerprints sounds cool in your head, but in actuality it has the same shock value as one covered in ketchup. No severed fingers, no disembodied eyes, just sort of a big, difficult to clean up mess. There's nothing mysterious or mythological about it, unless you count the efficacy of solvent based cleaning products to remove it.

Berry? Clean? NO.

Jaleesa's ministrations soon had Caroline fully dressed, cleaned up, and laughing about how big of a fuss she'd made over such a tiny cut. Jaleesa knew, though, that it would only take another peep at the bloodstains to send Caroline back into histrionics. Someone had to clean, and someone had to watch Caroline. Jaleesa could work wonders in an argument, but convincing Berry to clean Caroline's apartment while they went back to her place and had a cup of hot cocoa was out of the question.

STEP 1: Get Caroline out of the apartment before she freaks out again.

Jaleesa looked over Caroline's should to try and get Berry's attention. Berry, as usual, was snooping through the main room looking for something macabre. Before she could say something, Berry lifted the sheet off the computer desk. It was an impressive amount of blood for such a small cut, almost as if Caroline had lain there unconscious and still bleeding for quite a while.

"Caroline, have you met Berry? She's the one who gave me that flyer for "The Fool's Card," prompted Jaleesa.

Berry dropped the sheet almost guiltily back on top of the bloody mess. Berry had a kitten-like ability to be distracted, especially when it meant someone was about to give her attention. Years of club girl instinct kicked in at this point.

"Wait, I remember you now, you were that girl that left with Todd the other night," Berry said. Caroline got a chance to get a good look at Berry for the first time. Berry was wearing a crimson skirt and jacket, with her shoes and hair matching the crimson motif. Only her undershirt and hose were black, as if she were only dark on the inside.
"Raz was talking about what you did to Todd. So's Todd, for that matter. He really wants to see you again," Berry continued.

Jaleesa couldn't believe her luck. For once in her life, her brother's wife's sister might actually help out for a change.

"Hey, Berry, why don't you drive Caroline down to Todd's? The LAST thing she needs is to brood in this apartment on the Internet all night," Jaleesa had the ball, she might as well go for the full court press. "Go on! Get out of here before I catch honky!"

STEP 2: Do all the hard work while everyone else has fun.

If Caroline didn't basically do half Jaleesa's work and help keep management off her ass, she'd never put up with this shit...

Berry + Vulnerable Girl + Todd's House = Berry is going to be a bad girl.

Caroline liked Berry. She was smart. She was funny. She had style. She had a lot of friends. Caroline didn't understand why Jaleesa was giving those dirty looks. Was there something she didn't know?

"Me and Raz go way back, you know," said Berry.
"Really? I thought he was after some girl named Butterfly," replied Caroline
"Don't tell me, you came in the door with Todd, and then Raz immediately asked if there was a friend of his at the club?" asked Berry.
"Yeah, pretty much. How did you know?" said Caroline.
"Hah, that's standard 'Do you need me to leave so you can get lucky?' code. There's no girl named Butterfly that I know of down at "The Fool's Card," and I know EVERYONE that hangs out there," explained Berry.
"You make that place sound like some sort of machine, Berry," replied Caroline.
"In a way, it is. Freaks are pretty rare in this town; we have to huddle together for warmth. Speaking of which, gimme your keys," said Berry.

Caroline handed over her keys and followed Berry out to the parking lot. The second Berry stepped out of the dingy stairwell and into the lot, she hit the automatic lock button and followed the lights to Caroline's car wordlessly. Berry walked quickly to the driver's side with a certain kind of brisk determination. Caroline climbed into the passenger's side with the same attitude as a seven year old on the way to school.

"This is a pretty nice car. These days when I get to drive it's normally just some beater," commented Berry to Caroline as she backed out of the sandy blacktop.

Caroline began to notice Berry had a mechanical, almost marionette-like way of driving. Her elbows almost always hung down, as if strings at the shoulder and wrist supported her arms.

Caroline continued to withdraw as she rode along with Berry. In a box with glass sides, Caroline couldn't help but feel like she was some sort of fuzzy prize in a fifty-cent grappling hook game. The more she thought about it, the more she couldn't help but feeling that Berry wasn't another prize, but rather she was the hook.

Caroline followed Berry up the wooden staircase to Todd's apartment like a sheep following a judas goat into a charnel house. Berry knocked a complicated pattern on Todd's door, like a short version of "Wipe Out." Ten seconds later, Raz slowly opened the door with thick smoke still pouring from his mouth and nose, as if his face were some kind of giant, living incense burner.

Berry climbed into Raz's arms with the grace of a joey climbing into a kangaroo's pouch. Raz smiled warmly over Berry's shoulder and pulled her backwards into the room so Caroline had room to slip into the cramped apartment.

Todd lounged on the couch in a half-buttoned silk shirt with the sleeves still open, his smile warm and inviting. When he saw Caroline, he reared up from his couch like a stretching cat as Raz and Berry came back deeper into the room.

"Hey Carl," said Todd softly, comfortably close to Caroline's face. Caroline noticed Todd smelled like pot and jasmine, with a soft touch of the scent of leather.

All of a sudden, Caroline began remembering the events of the first night she and Todd had met. Not just the events she could admit to, but the other side of what had happened. The taste of his blood, the sound of his hiss of pain as she cut him, his visceral reaction to her; as if he was some form of escape for her.

You'd think with passion like that, they'd all have found something better to do than sitting around watching Betty Boop cartoons on DVD until they passed out in a stoned, drunken stupor a few hours later.


Posted by FUNKbrs - January 2nd, 2008


Chapter 1

There sat the darkened, semi luminous glass again. The right hand was supporting the chin, the left unnaturally resting on some sort of smooth, tepid object.

There was no startling awakening.

The eyes snapped open, but otherwise there was no indication of consciousness. The left hand twitched, just slightly, and the dark glass re-illuminated itself. Its previous hints of phosphorescence became painfully obvious to eyes only just recently rendered capable of sight.

The soft, resilient chair did not so much as creak.

Only in retrospect did the bass laden thunk register to human consciousness. The smell of tobacco, incense, and something familiar yet cloyingly exotic filtered through the haze. On a plain white plate sat a few small dribblings of coagulated blood.

The right hand was still completely numb.

The eyes conveyed meaning without focus, directly to a still sleeping mind. This mind, enraptured in a lucid dreaming state, was filled with symbols and foreign images, a Rorschach whirlwind to the active subconscious...

And that's when the stupid alarm went off.

In Caroline's dream, she sat on a warm, gentle foothill. There, she was counting flowers and gazing at the clouds, interpreting the patterns they revealed. She watched the chirping birds come and go from the nearby mountain stream. One bird, some kind of raven, buzzed shrilly as it approached. Its silhouette slowly grew outside avian proportions, and its abrasive cries soon blotted out the song of the whippoorwills. The closer it came, the more Caroline realized it was not so much flying as falling. It spun through the air, its death cry modulated with each revolution like a siren: "Grawk! Grawk! Grawk!" It left a rain of blood on the ground underneath it, and grew to monstrous proportions in Caroline's eyes as its screams became louder and louder. The beast's toothy maw was leaking blood; its broken leathery wings were flapping impotently in the wind of its flight. It struck the mountain, spraying blood in every direction like mist. Its unending scream continued even as it rolled down the craggy peak towards her...

But it wasn't a dying dragon. It was the damn alarm clock. And she'd fallen asleep at the computer.... again.

Caroline fell out of her chair onto the floor, and rolled with the grace of a one-legged gorilla into the bathroom of her tiny apartment. She had the water on before she'd even risen to her feet. That was actually fortunate, because it created less impact when she fell into the bathtub.

It took only a second for the icy cold water pouring out of the faucet to soak through her oversize t-shirt, ending whatever modicum of cozy warmth she'd retained from sleep. Her eyes opened wide with the shock of both the impact and frigid temperature, and she saw the clock on the wall said 7:33, meaning she'd be three minutes late even if she skipped her shower.

This being a singularly secular moment, she used the one name in vain that could even remotely be of comfort:

"GEORGE DUBYA BUSH!" she hissed under her breath for catharsis. If she hadn't stayed up all night arguing in that stupid political BBS, she wouldn't have fallen asleep at her computer. If she hadn't fallen asleep at her computer, her back wouldn't hurt, she wouldn't have a bump on her forehead, and above all, she wouldn't be late for work.

Finally, hot water streamed down her face and back, and the mind numbing cycle of work and breaks began anew. It was lunch before Caroline felt like herself again. Then again, Jaleesa tended to have that affect on her.

"Damn girl, do you ever get a good night's sleep" Said Jaleesa's feminine baritone.
Caroline's eyes closed as her head rested against the wall behind her chair. The soft hum of the microwave and her belly full of homemade bean burritos made alertness a futile effort.
"No" she mumbled, although the mumbling was mainly for show.
"You need to sell that computer and use the money to get out more. If I didn't have any kids, I sure as hell wouldn't be at home at ten o'clock at night," Jaleesa said, her neck flapping like a flag on the 4th of July. Jaleesa was 35, and only her two youngest children lived at home.
"Yeah, but you also like other people. Besides, I already have money. If I had more, I'd only blow it on booze" said Caroline.
"See, that's where you've got it all mucked up" Jaleesa said, "All you do is pay the cover, the MEN pay for all the booze. That's why your ass is so bony now, you don't shake that thang enough".
"Have you ever seen me try to dance?" Caroline asked.
"Oh, yeah... never mind," said Jaleesa, making a face that said she had seen Caroline try to dance, and "try" was definitely the operative word. Luckily, lunch was over before any other of Caroline's inadequacies came up for conversation.

After work, Jaleesa waited outside the door, smoking a cigarette. As Caroline walked past, Jaleesa waved to get her attention.
"I've been thinking about it, and you DO need to get out more. Here's a club flyer for a place that plays that techno you like," supplied Jaleesa.

Caroline took the flyer. Anything was better than waking up in that chair again.

"When was the last time I was in a club?" Caroline thought to herself, "It's either now or never."

Caroline was what you'd call a bit of a wallflower. Between her love of Japanese manga, her love of Reese's cups, and her hatred of assholes, she didn't even attend prom. She'd never wanted attention; she hated people like that. If she didn't know for a fact she'd end up asleep in that stupid chair again, she'd have never gone.

The club did not play the kind of techno she liked.

The club played Skinny Puppy. The club played Mindless Self Indulgence. They did not play Darude. They did not play Paul Oakenfold. The only vinyl in the place was made into a pair of pants and worn by an overweight twink talking to a queen in the corner. And she was staring straight at him.

"Hey girl, never seen you around here," said the twink in a voice that was much more masculine than Caroline expected.
"That's because I've never been here before." Caroline said, reaching for a cigarette. She only smoked when she was nervous, so she'd bought a pack to keep her hands busy. The twink already had his lighter out before she'd even looked up. While she fumbled for her Bic, he'd already lighted her cigarette. She'd taken two drags before lifting her own lighter to her face.

"Wow, you really are new. They call me Straight Mike around here," he said. Embarrassed, Caroline put her lighter back into her purse.
"That didn't take him long, did it?" said an effeminate lisp from the corner. The voice belonged to a 6'5" man wearing blue jeans and a plaid button up.
"Damn you Todd!" said Mike.
"Whatever. You've had something to prove ever since you let a trannie blow you in the bathroom." Todd replied.
"She was wearing a choker!" whined Mike, who ducked out and quickly walked to the bar for another drink.
"Sorry about that.... What was you name?" said Todd conversationally.
"Caroline," she said in return.
"Well, as you may have noticed, I'm Todd." He said as he extended his hand graciously. Caroline shook it, noticing his soft skin and gentle touch.

Caroline heard the DJ spin yet another breakcore beat, and winced visibly. The cover had been low, but the prices on the bar were sky high.

"I noticed you haven't ordered a drink yet," said Todd conversationally.
"That's because even piss is three dollars a bottle here," said Caroline, a little more waspishly than she'd really meant. Mike's greasy demeanor had put her off.
"It doesn't look like you're having a good time here, and none of my friends showed up," offered Todd. "Why don't you come to my apartment and cry into a glass of Shiraz with me? I need the company." Despite having just met the guy, Caroline already wanted to leave with him. After all, he was clearly gay, AND he had wine. What could go wrong?
"Sure," said Caroline. "Is it far?"
"You can walk there from here," said Todd. "C'mon, let's go."

Todd wasn't gay.

Somewhere between the parking lot and the street, Todd pulled a flask out of his coat.
"Care for a nip?" he quipped in a decent cockney accent. It was only 8:00 PM.
"Bloody right, mate," replied Caroline, in what had to be the worst Australian accent ever. Todd giggled, and they both took a swig from the metal pint bottle. Caroline's cigarette from the bar was still burning.

"Here it is," said Todd, "It's small, but it's mine."

Todd led Caroline up two flights of stairs to his one bedroom efficiency. Inside, the television was on, and a Goth kid was sitting on the couch smoking a bong that was all of two feet tall. Caroline had never even seen a bong before except on television.

"This is Raz," said Todd, "Raz, this is Caroline."
"'Sup Carl," said Raz, holding out the still smoking bong meaningfully. Todd took it, and took a huge hit, leaving Caroline in awkward silence with Raz. Raz squinted at Caroline and then at Todd.

"Is Butterfly at the bar tonight?" Raz asked Todd. Neither of them knew anyone named Butterfly.
"Yeah," said Todd, "She was asking about you."
"Fuck this place, then," said Raz, "Nice meeting you Carl." Before Caroline had said a word to him, he was already gone.

"Was that your boyfriend?" asked Caroline.
"No, he's definitely my man-friend," answered Todd. He wandered to the kitchenette part of the main room, and grabbed a bottle out of the fridge. "Do you like Noir? I have a collection. The movies, not the wine, I only have this one bottle of Shiraz."
"I don't know much about it," admitted Caroline.
"It's about the play of light and shadow. Metaphorical juxtapositions of good and evil. You know, gay art crap," explained Todd, motioning for Caroline to sit next to him on the couch. He leaned over and pulled two glasses and a corkscrew off the shelf. The apartment really was small.

Caroline sat down next to Todd, who took another hit from the bong and passed it nonchalantly to Caroline.
"It's got a carb, so put your finger over this hole before you hit it. Let go of the hole to clear it," informed Todd, as if he knew Caroline didn't smoke weed. Already buzzed from the alcohol, and bewildered by Todd's seeming generosity, she gave in and hit the bong while it was still lit.

She might as well have thrown her panties at him.

Caroline woke up with a prickly sensation on her back. She was lying on a soft cotton sheet. She reached behind her, and grabbed the offensive crinkly thing that woke her. She squinted at it in the light of Todd's alarm clock. The ripped packing read "Tro- -jan," with a clean rip between the "o" and the "j." Her lipstick was on the packet. Todd was frying eggs and watching the news in the other room.

Caroline crawled out of bed, wearing only a sheet.
"Did we..." She asked Todd, sticking her head through the bedroom door.

"Well, I sure did. And from the sounds you were making, you did a couple of times." With those words, the last night came flooding back to her. The wine, the movies, the blanket, the footsie, the cigarette burns...

There was a plane crash on the news.

Todd turned to face her. He was shirtless, and the word "Caroline" was scratched deeply into his chest in angular letters, as if done with a box cutter.

The news anchor said the company that owned the plane was Dragon Inc., a discount passenger service.

"Did.... Did I do that?" asked Caroline, disturbed. She'd never been into sadomasochism before.

"You sure as hell did," said Raz, sitting up from where he was laying on the couch.

The news anchor said there were frantic cell phone calls from the passengers. The victim's families said you could hear the spinning plane rhythmically knocking the breath out of the screaming victims. They said it sounded like a raven, or an alarm clock.

"Caroline?"

Sometimes it takes a minute for your brain to register what's really going on in the background. Only 10% of your brain actually thinks. The rest is just a filter to block out unimportant details, like gravity. But if you're Caroline from Pugh's flowers, it's only 7% doing the thinking. That other 3%? That part dreams of the future...


Posted by FUNKbrs - July 20th, 2007


They gave me a blog. On NG. Where I do my NG things. Don't they know what kind of fucked up shit I do on NG? I always fucking warn them, and they never fucking believe me.

Oh well. They'll get off light this time.... THIS TIME.