Doing a big Death match show with Memphis Street Fight next week. So basically I've played a show or two in one band or another every week for around the past month.

I'm in my mid forties.

How am I still doing this shit?

I talked to Bill Conflict from Maribethfest last night and he's 62. Sixty fucking TWO.

If someone my age told me they were doing the kind of shit I'm doing on a weekly basis I would simply not believe them.

I barely believe myself.

I've told therapists and THEY didn't believe me.

But I've got all this video, all these show flyers, i know all these PEOPLE. It's me, I did it, it's always been me.

It never feels like it though. My old prison guard therapist was like "Your in a gigging band, how is it that you can think you're dysfunctional. That's one of the highest level of functioning"

I think people who say shit like that have never been in a band.

I can't make real friends without doing music with them. I can't function socially unless people see me as talented and contributing. I deeply need to be unreplaceable and play a key part in other people's dreams.

Even if those dreams are, no hyperbole, getting beaten by a barbed wire bat into a bloody mess. I'll help you live them.

But sure, yeah, I'm fine, I'm not a bad person who peddles in other people's pain.

I spend half a decade trying to get help, and this is what happened to me.