I got back into therapy friday before last.

My history with therapy has been really rough.

Over a period of 5 years seeking therapy, my first three therapists didn't do shit for me.

#1: threatened to call the cops on me preemptively before she told me she was declining me within 30 min of the session. I never so much as raised my voice, let alone did anything threatening or disrespectful. Gave me a list of referrals that wouldn't take me and ghosted me unethically.

#2: Had to be forced by my insurance to take me. Kept me during the pandemic and then dumped me to a referral claiming I could get EMDR from a different therapist, even though she was certified to do it. New therapist never gave me a single session of EMDR.

#3: Was referred to give me EMDR. First tried to dump me by moving out of state, then set an appointment for my trauma date and cancelled at the last minute. Tried to have me hospitalized and referred me to Lakeside when I didn't "get the hint" she was trying to unethically abandon me. Eventually I got her to give me a referral to an office based therapist.

#4 (current) Former fucking prison guard. Talked about having my head xrayed for brain damage on the first session. First therapist that seemed to know what to do when I dissociated in session. Is supposed to be therapy only, but told me the second session would be in a new location that appears to be psychiatry (drugs) based.

Doing my second visit with 4 friday, and between last session and this one of the other people who was "there" got hospitalized and had to do a fundraiser. I'm worried he's just gonna waste my time slow walking me to a hospitalization knowing I have a 7k$ deductible and would be better off going to actual fucking jail for the weekend on a criminal charge.

It's bad, the whole thing is bad. I'm wired tight as fuck not knowing how it's gonna go. Like, physical symptoms, can't sleep more than 4 hours a night, and that in shifts, can't hold down food. It's bad.

I know I'm gonna lose the ability to be verbal, and I'm getting worse at a rapid pace as the anniversary date approaches.

Did 3 shows in the past three weeks, somehow, so I'm still gigging and working my day job and all that.

But fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. There was JUST a mass shooting in my state, and they are gonna crack down on the crazies, ie, me.

Anniversay date is a month and a half away, and mentally I'm already gone, and it's gonna get a lot worse. Over the past 6 years from 5-12-2017 I get worse for two months before, and stay fucked up for 2 months after (4 months total).

Shit is bad bad bad.

Got a musical festival I want to go to this weekend.

Hopefully I'll stay outside and be able to go to it.