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Sometimes a small pneumatic combustion cannon is the right tool for the job. At least when the job is spraying blood and gore into a fine mist, anyways.

FUNK brs @FUNKbrs

40, Male

Prophet of Hate

Memphis, Murder Capital

Joined on 10/28/00

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Playing Sex & Violence with Paintribe, 7 Cycle Theory, Afflixion, and Strangled Blue

Posted by FUNKbrs - August 5th, 2008


So my last 20 posts were the rough drafts to my novel "The Cutting Garden." That's in rewrites right now, about 3/4's of the way done. However, that's just the tip of the iceberg, really.

A lot of people get the wrong idea about me because I'm a forum mod. Being a forum mod is just an extension of being a good writer; it's a way to practice being funny and intelligent in text. Long before I ever made my first BBS post, I started playing drums, and in teh IRL, that's where I get most of my recognition.

I've been playing drums in a band called Strangled Blue for about two years, previous to that Chiselfist, and previous to that a project called Dominion (ends up the name wasn't original. Who knew?). Anyways, over the years I've built up a bit of a reputation for being a hardcore moshpit freak, and I've met a lot of the hardcore freakshow scene people. In particular, I'm fairly good friends with Tony Myers of Sex and Violence Hardcore wrestling, and I've hung out with Paintribe on mulitple occasions, just shooting the shit. I'm also deeply entrenched in the local memphis Goth community, despite the fact I'm not technically goth. In fact, I'm mainly a beatnik.

Because of these connections, I was able to get my band booked for the baddest ass show ever to happen ANYWHERE, EVER, with Pain Tribe and Sex and Violence.

PainTribe is a group of whacked out piercing/suspension artists from New Orleans in the greatest voodoo tradition. They specialize in hook pulling competitions, where two members of the group will put hooks in their backs attached by chains, and then attempt to rip those hooks out of each other's backs in a bloody tug of war all while ambient techno and.... well... your boy FUNK play in the background with his band Strangled Blue. So if you ever wonder what it feels like to be a part of a real freakshow, honestly, it feels a lot like watching old ladies get the holy roller spirit in a southern Pentecostal church. It'll give you the shakes just watching, man. You won't leave the same.

Sex and Violence Hardcore wrestling is basically the most fucked up shit... EVER. Period. Bar none. I'm talking Cactus Jack style shit. They start the show with the Sex: straight up oil wrestling with super hot chicks. Oh yes, it was hot and greasy, and I was there, and YOU WEREN'T!! LOLOLOLOL!!!

Next, S&V hard The Abortionist VS FAUST VS. Psycho VS Chair VS. Madman Pondo of Juggalo hardcore wrestling fame (this guy is AMAZING!!! Look him up on You tube, ZOMFG!!!). These guys are NUTZ, with broken glass, barbwire, thumbtacks, you name it, they hit each other with it action. I watched a guy get WHACKED with a taxidermied deer hoof, for crying out loud!

Blood was EVERYWHERE. If you wonder where I get my blood descriptions from my novel from, it's stuff like this. There's no other group of people willing to bleed that much, anywhere, PERIOD. Imagine someone getting tarred and feathered. Now, instead of tar, use their own blood from a vicious beating. And instead of feathers, use broken glass. Then take that guy, covered in blood and broken glass, and THROW HIS ASS OFF A FUCKIN BALCONY. That's sex and violence hardcore wrestling at it's finest.

Faust started the match by hiring Psycho to destroy The Abortionist for revenge against The Abortionist hacking Faust face up (true story. I watched the shit happen. That scar is big as shit). However, Faust mistakenly hit Psycho with a flourescent light, and both Psycho and the Abortionist took turns slapping his faggy goth ass all over the stage. Pondo ended up pile driving him off the stage, where he layed crying like a homo until they realized he was too hurt to continue and let him go home to cry to his girlfriend.

Chair was the first eliminated, eliminated while Faust was still crying like a girl. A lot of people underestimate Chair, because they always see hot chicks sitting on him and just ASSUME he's just a piece of furniture. Originally he WAS a person, but after decades of the japanese hardcore wrestling scene, eventually every bone in his body was replaced with either steel or plastic. One night after mainlining a shit load of meth and heroine with some prostitutes, he got the idea to give up on being a person altogether, and had himself surgically altered to be a chair. Sadly, after just recently defeating Faust with his patented Chair Rope-a-Dope technique, he had Madman Pondo crush his legs and pin him, resulting in his elimination.

Now it was Pondo, Abortionist, and Psycho, the biggest and nastiest of the big and nasty. Abortionist and Pondo teamed up against Psycho, mainly because Psycho is WAY too crazy to be trusted with the Hardcore Sick Fuck belt. I mean, he might EAT it, or something. After a struggle, they managed to pick Psycho's fat ass up in a tag team suplex off the stage, right into a pit of broken glass, knocking him clean out in a pool of his own blood.

Now it was just Pondo and Abortionist.

At this point Abortionist had been wrestling from the jump, and was barely recognizable from the blood pouring from every inch of skin on his body. I really wish I was making this shit up: Tony's a close personal friend, and it's CRAZY to see how much pain he can take. I mean, I DRINK with the guy, so I don't see him in that light, but he is what he is.

Abortionist knew his only chance was to throw Pondo off the Balcony of the New Daisy theatre; Pondo had come in late to the fight, and was too fresh to beat any other way. Pondo was too glad to meet him up there, knowing that he still had the advantage.

After a brutal struggle on the balcony, Pondo managed to get the slip on Abortionist and drop him off the two story tall balcony, breaking his leg and nose (no shit). Finally, Pondo was Sick Fuck champion!

Then we spent like an hour scraping blood and broken glass off the stage before the venue owner shit a kitten, and went home. YAY.

Don't believe me? Go find Sex and Violence on myspace, and watch their videos. The new match will be for sale on DVD in a few weeks or so: RESERVE ONE NOW!!!


Comments

I dislike Myspace. I rather stick with the classic facebook and stick too NG. :/ Maybe Digg if i wish to read upcoming articles.

It's all on you tube, too, but you tube doesn't have it hosted on the page.

Myspace is so horribly designed, I can totally see why you'd hate it. If it wasn't so universal, I wouldn't use it.

I would have never guessed that people would act like that at concerts. I mean, I've seen fights, but this sounds like a full blown blood bath. Crazy.

At least there wasn't a shooting at this one!

Back when the Rally Point was still open, I got straffed by a disgruntled mosh-pitter who got his ass kicked in the pit at my show.

Now THAT'S fucked up. This, this was just a hardcore wrestling show and pain exhibition.

Cool.

fuck you look like a pedo.

Im still making a shirt with your name on it.